Dropped into a Pandemic
The following thoughts and feelings are a reflection of how I felt at the start of this global pandemic. Less than a month later and I am finding they are not so accurate anymore. But it is important to acknowledge, document and look back on these ideas:
Where do I even start? I don’t need to tell you what’s going on in the world right now. The mess and chaos from out there is leaking into everything I do. The uncertainty in the air means I am constantly searching for things to do so that I feel some sort of control. This was to be expected. Finding ways to stay grounded, creating a sense of stability, and keeping connections with people who nourish me are so important right now. And it’s been so long since I’ve sat down and written a blog post. Sometimes my little snippets on social media are filled with rambles that I didn’t even realise I was storing inside me, then sometimes I’m lost for words and sharing seems all too hard.
The waves of life have never been more prevalent than they are now. The doing and the energy I’m using to distract myself, is contrasted so strongly with an exhaustion and a want to throw all my projects and work in the bin. It all seems pretty pointless at times. And I’m confused and unmotivated half the time. Then I just take it one thing at a time, one day at a time, and I feel a little more sturdy and certain. And creating strong boundaries is helping me to do that. Knowing how much I can give and putting limits on work expectations and social interactions so that I can nurture myself. I’m learning that people ‘support’ me in different ways and I don’t always have to take on their energy and move at their pace. I’m running my own race and sometimes that includes switching off and letting the down time take me away for a while.
I’ve felt this urgency to get things happening, and the work I’ve been doing to try and keep up has left me worn out. I needed a day away from everything, a day where I could just focus on myself and my body and doing things that feel good. And for me that meant sleeping in, eating nourishing food, catching up with friends via video chat, setting up a dedicated time to practice movement, and getting outside in fresh air. It was the perfect day to reset and come back to the simply things.
The strangest thing though was as soon as I woke up the next day I felt a sense of dread about the coming week. I have work planned for the whole week, but there’s the feeling that none of it is guaranteed to go through. Like at any moment things could flip on their head (even more) and all my plans go out the window. Things are changing so rapidly and we are being fed so much information that I can’t even process it. What is the truth, and what is just hype? I keep thinking how much I’d love to just hide away from it all. There’s not much that puts me at ease these days, especially when I forget to make time for myself and my practice.
(30/3/20)