Lockdown is a Vulnerable Space

While my energy has been waxing and waning, and moving in unpredictable ways during this stage 4 lockdown, I have been leaning into acceptance. Letting myself cry when the need ripples through me, and also feeling the lightness and joy that pulses in certain moments too. The polarities are never bound without the other.

Sometimes the weight of all of it feels too much, and in those instances I know that nothing fills the void of missing my people and physical touch. That core need is always in the back of my head. It makes my heart feel heavy and suffocated. It’s why I’ve been stealing cuddles from my dog way more than usual. And it just can’t be filled by online interactions or connections no matter how hard I try.

Through this time I have felt the pressure of holding space for others and showing up as a teacher, while also dealing with my own stuff. Spiraling into a depression that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling, meant mundane tasks were taxing and I didn’t want to talk or reply to any messages. And then wondering how I was going to turn up to teach with that burden on my shoulders. I pondered the need to put on a brave face, or to just be there and let my teaching and my students hold me in that.

I realised I didn’t need to have it all together. Being in front of the screen and connecting with my students was like a lime-light for how I was feeling. The resistance, but then the profound vulnerability meant I had to acknowledge and use my experiences. So I have been sharing more personal anecdotes with my students. Discussing my boundary enforcing, or how I deal with emotions and get support from others. And it’s not all light and rainbows, it’s a messy process and we navigate it cautiously in our own time and our own way.

Although I know, if I don’t talk and share these things I’m not being of service to anyone. I can’t expect them to feel and work with their own stuff if I’m not willing to start the conversation. Showing up and leading by example is something I’ve been stepping into since this whole lockdown business started. And it’s taught me that if I can create avenues for connection, play and growth, then I can be held in those spaces too. I can get what I need from others by creating the container.